If you have ever had roommates, chances are that you’ve encountered this problem before: you come home from a long day at work/school, starving, and looking forward those delicious leftovers you have waiting in the fridge. But when you get back––your eyes all-aglow with refrigerator light––the leftovers are gone. Not just tampered with or sampled. Gone.
Now, you could go confront your roommate about it, ask him or her to please not eat your food again. Perhaps demand an apology. But it is always so much more effective (and satisfying) to communicate symbolically. Here are a few helpful suggestions for getting your message across without all the unpleasantness of, well, talking.
#%$! en Tu Leche
If you are familiar with this common Spanish explicative, which refers to an unpleasant bodily secretion in the milk of the person being cursed, you might see where I am headed with this one. The gist, though, is this: your housemate eats your food, you tamper with his.
Smells Like Chicken
Here’s how to protect your poultry products from a greedy housemate:
Step 1: Remove showerhead.
Step 2: Insert one chicken bouillon cube into end of the pipe.
Step 3: Replace showerhead.
Step 4: Shower at a friend’s house for the next few days.
The fridge robber will smell (and smell like) nothing but chicken soup for the next three days, without knowing why, resulting in long-term psychological issues associated with chicken.
Laxatives in the Brownies
This one is tried and true. “…but why brownies?” you ask. Because no food thief can resist brownies.
The OSS Technique
credit: design dog
This foolproof method involves cooking up a heaping portion of an Obscenely Spicy Something. Be sure to make it potent enough to cause Permanent Taste Bud Nerve Damage (PTBND), and your comestibles will be safe ever thereafter.
Sand in the Sandwich
Because revenge is just that much sweeter when it involves a pun. And because few things are more horrifying than biting into a roommate’s purloined hoagie and getting a mouthful of sand.
The Classic Communal Fridge Escalation Method
Obviously, his/her food selection is far inferior to your own, so this one takes a bit of determination (and/or a few friends) to accomplish. But if your roommate eats, say, two or three of your frozen corndogs, you retaliate by eating all of his/her food. Everything. Down to the last breadcrumb.
Banks and department stores use them to protect their merchandize, and so should you if your housemate has been raiding your side of the pantry. It is awfully hard to feign innocence with a face covered in unwashable dye.
Tie It Down
Carefully zip tie every box, jar, Tupperware container, carton, and bag of food you own to the shelves in the fridge and pantry. It takes an incredibly bold thief to get past zip ties.
This one is an alternative for the more friendly revenge seekers out there. Toss a wax apple or two into the fruit basket to see what happens. (Note: By using more solid artificial foods, one might conceivably be able to achieve a cracked tooth or two.)
A little known fact is that the chemist who originally discovered ipecac had been a lifelong victim of pantry theft. A few drops of this stuff will have that criminally hungry housemate of yours violently and uncontrollably evacuating every ounce of his stomach (and maybe also small quantities of blood) for hours to come.
Let’s face it, revenge is an ugly business. But sometimes it is the only way to get your point across. And, boy, is it fun!
Legal Disclaimer: Policy Expert hereby assumes no responsibility for any lifelong, debilitatingly traumatic poultry aversions that may or may not have resulted from its publication, and instead recommends that you check out their contents insurance service.