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The Grumpy Guide to Hosting a BBQ

By: Donna Chaffins | Date: May 23, 2012 | Categories: Guest Posts, Home and Garden, Humor, Satire, Tips
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bbqgrump The Grumpy Guide to Hosting a BBQ

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Tip 1- Get  People to Bring Food – Lots of Food

Food is a very important element of any BBQ, some say the most important, and I tend to agree. Make sure you mention on any invitation that guests should bring something to ‘throw on the BBQ’ and something quaffable to drink. This may sound like a harmless enough request, it is anything but. Actually translated it means:

‘Hey you, bring some food to my house and don’t expect to eat it all yourself – make it something good too, like king prawns or steak. No value burgers Steve. Also bring me a bottle of wine, spend more on the bottle of wine than you would ordinarily spend on yourself just to try and impress me. Thanks, how thoughtful of you.’

Now all you have to worry about is buns and condiments.

Tip 2 – Grill Control

Often the whole reason to have a BBQ in the first place, is the purchase of a new BBQ grill. Think of your new BBQ as an extension of your… Kitchen. A way of accessorising your life with a big shiny machine that makes fire, that is also much cheaper than buying a new car. It also gives you an excuse to eat red meat exclusively, all evening. Sorry Heart.

Steak your claim (yeah, I went there) to the ‘cooking area’ early, others may offer to help you but they also may ruin the whole evening with their amateur grilling technique. Those cack handed fools you call friends.

Tip 3  –  iPod Dock DJ

Some people just don’t get the whole ‘my house – my rules’ set up you’ve been hinting at. Your finely crafted playlist lasts for 12 hours, and why would you want to listen to anything else? Inevitably one outspoken maverick will hijack the iPod dock and stick on literally whatever the hell they like (N.b If you are that maverick – I hate you).

Even worse – whatever they put on you will have to pretend you don’t really like to regain control. You probably will love it, it’s on your iPod, and you have no reason not to. The dulcet tones of Enya – my only weakness. Damn you Steve.

Tip 4 – Kick Everyone out

You invite people over to your house, they’ve eaten all your food, you gritted your teeth and pretended not to care when they spilt wine everywhere, and you’ve half heartedly laughed at their jokes out of politeness.

Why are they still here? Haven’t they got their own homes to go back to?

You may well have inadvertently befriended what is essentially a close knit group of hobos. Get off my lawn. Assert your command by turning down the music a little, looking at your watch occasionally and sighing at regular intervals. If this doesn’t seem to work, persist in asking if anyone needs a cab because you know a really good company.

Subtle, but mildly forceful. The underlying tone of the whole evening.

You have now successfully hosted one of the greatest BBQs of all time, one that will be talked about for literally days.

Now, gather the left over bottles of wine and find the most expensive in anticipation of your next BBQ invite.

Dan Izzard likes to spend his time in the garden, mostly because it’s the only place he can get phone signal. He writes for Pest Control Group about how to keep you garden in a far superior state to that of your annoying neighbours using pest control products like woodworm treatment.

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